Saturday, December 7, 2013

These Christmas Songs Are Really, Really Bad

When I first did this a year or so ago, it was as a Top 10 list. But through some exhaustive research (Google, YouTube, asking my wife who is sitting in a chair across the room from me) I came to the sad realization that there are way more than just 10 songs worthy of organizing in a worst to best least worst to most worst list. You could spend all day and night looking up horribly bad Christmas songs.

A couple pieces of criteria each of these songs had to meet: First, they had to be home recordings of some guy sitting in front of a Casio keyboard making up songs about Lance Berkman or something. They all must be real, actual recordings of songs by actual musicians. (Well, in most cases. You'll see what I mean when I get to them). Secondly, they all have to be specific. None of this "I hate that song, period" type of rulings because that'd be too easy. You're not going to see anybody saying that "Ave Maria" is a bad songvanyway, but I think we can all undoubtedly agree that the Andrea Bocelli version of it is infinitely better than Lady Gaga (if that actually existed). And if you disagree with that, please shut down your computer and sit in the dark and feel bad for yourself right now.

So here are some bad songs.

Elmo & Patsy - Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer
Controversial for some right off the bat. As a kid, I swear I thought this song was hilarious. The funniest thing ever. It still has a little bit of a special place in my heart thanks to some good old nostalgia, but as an adult it's kind of a dark song to think about. And, well, you just kind of feel bad for the family. And Grandma. Poor, poor Grandma. Rest in peace.

I'm Gettin' Nuttin' For Christmas - Stan Freberg
With the amount of atrocities the kid in this song has committed, it's a wonder how he didn't get sent off to a boarding school at some point in the lyrics. Really? So you broke a bat over another kid's head? I mean that's not just bad but you're probably looking at a jail sentence, kid. That's pretty violent. Is that even possible to break an entire bat over another person's head?

I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas - Gayla Peevey
Being the father of a little girl, the only thing keeping this song from being any more terrible is the cute little girl voice. But seriously, what a spoiled little brat.

John Denver - Please Daddy (Don't Get Drunk This Christmas)
Um. Tense.

Dominic The Donkey - Lou Monte
So I'm not trying to mock or belittle any of my friends that are of Italian descent, but I have a question: Who green-lighted this song? No, really. I'd like to see the Behind The Music on Lou Monte so I can get the real story behind this truly, truly outstanding song. Other than to appease Italians, why did this song have to be written? Special thanks to "Nick The Pizza Guy" for creating such an epic music video as well.


You may have heard that back in 2011, the song made a comeback thanks to satellite radio and ended up on the UK Singles chart in the United Kingdom. But did you know that while it was around, the song actually made it as high as #3 (!!!) on the chart? Well it did. Crazy brits.

Augie Rios - Donde Esta Santa Claus? 
Nothing says Christmas like an overly stereotypical sounding hispanic child throwing in Spanish words and bad pronunciations of words like "eees" instead of is, and "Creesmas" instead of Christmas. And renaming two of the reindeer "Pablo" and "Pedro". This was 1958, however, and stereotypes were all the rage.

Augie Rios - Ol' Fatso
Another gem by little Augie. Or, as it's called in parentheses, Ol' Fatso (Get Those Reindeer Off My Roof).


Any novelty recording of Jingle Cats, Jingle Dogs, Jingle Pigs, Birds, Monkeys, Hippopotamuses, Giraffes, Yaks, etc.
Why? Why do these songs have to happen?

Twisted Sister - Oh Come All Ye Faithful
I really had no idea this even existed. Again, why did this have to happen? Why did Dee Snider actually think covering this would be a good idea? There could not be a worse individual picked to sing a song like this save for maybe Marilyn Manson.

I Got Socks For Christmas by some person who I have no idea
Okay, so this song starts out innocently enough, aided by some kind of amusing, Sims looking, Taiwanese news cast imitating animation. It sounds a little similar to "I'm Gettin' Nuttin" as well. But soon thereafter it quickly disintegrates into something really weird. Of course you got socks for Christmas, kid. You wrote "poop smells" on the wall of your house. I'm surprised you didn't get anything worse.

The Wombles - Wombling Merry Christmas
I have no idea what's going on right now, you guys.

Alice Cooper - Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

The Go-Go's - Christmas With A Dalek
I don't watch Doctor Who so I have zero knowledge about who or what a dalek is. But the fact that there's a Christmas song about this thing does very little to make me want to start.

Donna Daniels - Christmastime In Singapore
We're not world travelers by any means, but I don't understand what makes Singapore so great that it deserves an entire Christmas song to be written about it unless perhaps she was singing about her hometown of Singapore, Michigan. Also if you can stomach through long enough, listen for the very odd completely different song change at the 2:25 mark. It completely threw me off.

And finally...

Kevin McLeod - Wrapping Paper
I don't know anymore. I just don't. 

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